Why a "Create Your Own" Marriage Terrifies Me.

I'm not the biggest fan of Dan Savage. If you're unfamiliar, he's a fairly well-known author, speaker, and prophet of "tolerance," but also has quite the reputation to blatantly mock & ridicule Christians. (If he registers as an "anti-bullying" role model in your head, undo that by performing a quick YouTube search.)

But I came across a video of him that's been making its way through social media, and instead of immediately dismissing it, I wanted to be open minded.

In it, he offers an interesting (and for many, attractive) redefinition of marriage -- one that's completely defined by the individuals and no one else.

No restrictions. 
No boundaries. 
100% "Create Your Own."

Initially, it really does sound freeing, liberating, and empowering. But shortly after thinking about it, I'm concerned.

I'm concerned not because I believe marriage is defined as between a man and a woman in a life-long relationship (I do), not because I'm worried about the further breakdown of an important, purposeful institution (I am), and not because I just have this huge distaste for Dan Savage (that's a given).

I'm concerned because I don't think there's as much freedom in Savage's definition as he touts. Rather, no freedom, no liberation, no empowerment.

Just slavery to uncertainty. 

Beginning at about 4:06 in the video, he says,

This idea that if you buy into marriage, you're buying into some gendered, patriarchal institution... Wake up and pay attention. Marriage is what the two married people in any individual marriage say that it is. 

It can be monogamous or not, children or not, religious or not, for life or not.
Each individual couple... gets to create their own marriage. [emphasis my own]

Awesome! My wife and I have full power to make marriage exactly what "we" want it to be.

Until one of "we" expects something else out of it.
Until one of "we" says it means something else.
Until one of "we" decides to create something the other doesn't want to create.

And all with no reference point. 

Savage's definition is a constant fight against sinking sand. The unknown of how one of us could begin to see the marriage differently. No standard, no foundation, no unchanging path for us to pursue or for it to guide.

Nothing to hold us accountable in one of the most important relationships of our lives.

This definition won't work in a world of imperfect people. It won't last. It won't hold meaning. In a marriage completely & exclusively created by the couple itself, a deep vulnerability exists that will ultimately pull the couple apart.

My marriage needs a foundation. Something to guide us when things are rough. Something to hold us to a standard not set by ourselves. Something less fragile, more enduring, and so much greater than either one of us.

This is why I don't want a "create your own" marriage. And I hope you don't either.

Below is the video, and here's where I came across it.